and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize