i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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