cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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