You're my little dorito
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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