I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
