the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
