I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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