Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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