You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
