evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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