You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
