If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
