I'm sorry my penis didn't work
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
