I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
