So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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