He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize