wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
