Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
