I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
