please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
