remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
