I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
