Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
