Say something about gay babies.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
