I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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