you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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