So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
