Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize