i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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