I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Randomize
