mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
