I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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