anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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