And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
