I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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