its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
