Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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