Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
