You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize