i just sent this text using only my big toe
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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