Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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