Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
