Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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