Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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