my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
