I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
