I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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