She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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