so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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