two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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