so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
