Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
