Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
