dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
