Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
