We're like a lot better than the average bears
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
