today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
